Sunday, October 6, 2013

Back to the drawing board: Turning over a new leaf...

Deep Breath... .... Take off all the makeup girl, don't be shy, don't be scarred, don't hide under there.. let's show the world who you really are.. nobody ever told you... you shine like a diamond, glitter like gold... mirror mirror on the wall, acting like he knows it all.. he tells you lies of vanity and doesn't tell you what's underneath.. all hung up on the negative and doesn't tell you how it really is.. Carrie Underwood I'm back to the drawing board.. I have to turn over a new leaf.. every fiber in my being is on fire with denial.. and my heart and soul are screaming at the top of their "lungs" to make me react, to make me yell, to make me ask why, to make me feel angry, but most of all, to be hurt... i won't give in to any of it.. i'm not going to let myself feel... I'm running as hard and as fast as I can to the highest safest tower of my castle walls that are my heart and locking my doors to any and everything except God's winds..winds, drafts, breaths. . . they always sneak in somehow.. God.. God.. my Precious Lord.. i was selfish with your gift.. or was i? We know I was.. but I'm human.. I have so many questions, I have always been a child of questions, queries, and finding my way in my own time... ugh... I'm tired of not being good enough for anyone... there are so many out there who are open to just saying " yes baby, I want you to have my babies" .. yes, plural, as in many... why isn't it simple? Finances? was that it? was it lack of results in trying different ventures? oh i could blame it on so many different things... but you know what? Hi. I'm Amanda. and so.. and they asked me- who are you? and i said: i've had enough heart ache to last 2 lifetimes and still have room for more-i've loved longer harder and hoped more than any person i've known-i wish the best of everyone even if i cant stand you because it's not for me to judge and i would beg the same in return...i don't know, what do you want to know -what is your goal? they asked: to which i replied: my goal is to make those around me happy, and work by their side and to live simply but with a lot of love and fun and adventure and creativity want everyone to feel like they can't squeeze another ounce of love from me and i want to polish my talents i want to provide for my parents in their old age and comfort them and have them want for nothing i want my 9 siblings to be successful and have lots of babies and big families and to work together to promote success for all of us :)... ... and i want each one of them to feel loved and inspired beyond anything they've dreamed.. and i want them to realize God is real, and He does want the best for us, and we are NOT to waste our talents.. i want to help anyone and everyone realize their dreams, and most of all realize themselves, and above all, work side by side to help them no matter what the cost.. and then they said: wow after reading all of that how has a guy not swept u off ur feet, and put a ring on that finger? ... to which i replied umm.. well i'm human and have my faults as well soo there you go -i can be selfish and stubborn and prideful, those are all the worst vices i'd rather be fat and i 've almost got that wish lol ok well not too too bad lol.. i've just to find the one who will give me a chance to share all of this with them, forgive me my human frailties, and help me work through them.. and when they do, i promise they will not be disappointed.. i'm just waiting to be needed i guess...i'm single i date off and on but nothing ever sticks..thats ok, God will let me know when its my time to have an awesome family, and when He does, I'm ready for it! .... It's not like I didn't try to walk away and let him figure it out on his own.. I gave him every chance.. but should I have held his hand, held him in my arms? he kept getting mad and pushing me out, and when he wanted answers it was at 1 or 2 in the morning... this heart ache blows my mind.. i never thought... i never imagined.. Nor will I .. you are in my heart every minute.. you are in my prayers every day, multiple times a day... alone in the church.. before i fall asleep.. out on my solitary fall, winter, spring, and summer walks... there really was so much to say, and there still is... I'm sorry i was not " brave " as Sarah bareillis sings it.. I will be... He will know my heart, that future husband of mine, and he won't be afraid to fight with me.. to really fight with me.. I wish I had a sword.. I do not like the way I have to fight the enemy right now... oh how he is sneaky and evil and a lier... my heart surely is the heart of the daughter of the King, the Lord God... and she is mighty and precious in his sight..

No comments: