Back to the drawing board: Turning over a new leaf...

Deep Breath... .... Take off all the makeup girl, don't be shy, don't be scarred, don't hide under there.. let's show the world who you really are.. nobody ever told you... you shine like a diamond, glitter like gold... mirror mirror on the wall, acting like he knows it all.. he tells you lies of vanity and doesn't tell you what's underneath.. all hung up on the negative and doesn't tell you how it really is.. Carrie Underwood I'm back to the drawing board.. I have to turn over a new leaf.. every fiber in my being is on fire with denial.. and my heart and soul are screaming at the top of their "lungs" to make me react, to make me yell, to make me ask why, to make me feel angry, but most of all, to be hurt... i won't give in to any of it.. i'm not going to let myself feel... I'm running as hard and as fast as I can to the highest safest tower of my castle walls that are my heart and locking my doors to any and everything except God's winds..winds, drafts, breaths. . . they always sneak in somehow.. God.. God.. my Precious Lord.. i was selfish with your gift.. or was i? We know I was.. but I'm human.. I have so many questions, I have always been a child of questions, queries, and finding my way in my own time... ugh... I'm tired of not being good enough for anyone... there are so many out there who are open to just saying " yes baby, I want you to have my babies" .. yes, plural, as in many... why isn't it simple? Finances? was that it? was it lack of results in trying different ventures? oh i could blame it on so many different things... but you know what? Hi. I'm Amanda. and so.. and they asked me- who are you? and i said: i've had enough heart ache to last 2 lifetimes and still have room for more-i've loved longer harder and hoped more than any person i've known-i wish the best of everyone even if i cant stand you because it's not for me to judge and i would beg the same in return...i don't know, what do you want to know -what is your goal? they asked: to which i replied: my goal is to make those around me happy, and work by their side and to live simply but with a lot of love and fun and adventure and creativity want everyone to feel like they can't squeeze another ounce of love from me and i want to polish my talents i want to provide for my parents in their old age and comfort them and have them want for nothing i want my 9 siblings to be successful and have lots of babies and big families and to work together to promote success for all of us :)... ... and i want each one of them to feel loved and inspired beyond anything they've dreamed.. and i want them to realize God is real, and He does want the best for us, and we are NOT to waste our talents.. i want to help anyone and everyone realize their dreams, and most of all realize themselves, and above all, work side by side to help them no matter what the cost.. and then they said: wow after reading all of that how has a guy not swept u off ur feet, and put a ring on that finger? ... to which i replied umm.. well i'm human and have my faults as well soo there you go -i can be selfish and stubborn and prideful, those are all the worst vices i'd rather be fat and i 've almost got that wish lol ok well not too too bad lol.. i've just to find the one who will give me a chance to share all of this with them, forgive me my human frailties, and help me work through them.. and when they do, i promise they will not be disappointed.. i'm just waiting to be needed i guess...i'm single i date off and on but nothing ever sticks..thats ok, God will let me know when its my time to have an awesome family, and when He does, I'm ready for it! .... It's not like I didn't try to walk away and let him figure it out on his own.. I gave him every chance.. but should I have held his hand, held him in my arms? he kept getting mad and pushing me out, and when he wanted answers it was at 1 or 2 in the morning... this heart ache blows my mind.. i never thought... i never imagined.. Nor will I .. you are in my heart every minute.. you are in my prayers every day, multiple times a day... alone in the church.. before i fall asleep.. out on my solitary fall, winter, spring, and summer walks... there really was so much to say, and there still is... I'm sorry i was not " brave " as Sarah bareillis sings it.. I will be... He will know my heart, that future husband of mine, and he won't be afraid to fight with me.. to really fight with me.. I wish I had a sword.. I do not like the way I have to fight the enemy right now... oh how he is sneaky and evil and a lier... my heart surely is the heart of the daughter of the King, the Lord God... and she is mighty and precious in his sight..

Fading Fast

chilly nose, frozen toes, aching head, where's my bed.. empty heart, played my part, gave my soul, where's my goal.. run to hide, think in stride, reach for Love, where's the Dove... it takes three, you: Love: me, pride vs humility... empty thoughts, hollow shots, stupid bars, boys in cars... prayers go up, tears come down , my secret smile hides well my frown ... magic, magic, faith and dreams, nothing is as it seems... stubborn lies lie within, she's your heaven, not your sin! ... Sneaky devil, you can't see, only Water saves misery... don't give up, don't give in, He saves all from fears within.

I'm not afraid... / or: From their personal "Notebook" story

TJB: I worry that in the end of life that the path that I choose and go all in about might be the wrong one, but that statement does put some light on that subject. I know that when I was with Amanda that it seemed that no matter what everything was provided for both of us and that no matter what we could talk anything out...even if I went off a deep end and my temper got ahold of me. Besides that no matter what we could get through it all, distance, no money, finding ways to have fun, pushing each others desires and drives in life. I could not ask for a more loyal and perfect woman to be my other half. When I talk of when everything always seemed to be provided for us I have one particular time that sticks out in my mind. we both were broke lol like usual and Amanda cooked up what food they had at the house, which was spaggettie (sp) and well I'm a man of numbers calculations probability and ratios. Now if you looked at that bowl that she made and the size of her family and people that were there there was no way that any one was getting more than just a small portion to eat...so I said polietly that I did not need to eat and that I would just find something later at my house....knowing that I really did not have anything there and payday was a few days out. So I helped serve and. Divided it up and I kept thinking that I was giving to big of portions, but kept serving everyone. I kid you not that at the end of making sure that everyone was fed with suffiecnt portions a Sent via Facebook Mobile TJB: March 8 at 10:22pm Oops sent that to soon before I was done. Suffecient portions there was still left overs there for me to eat. I started laughing kind of like what the heck is going on and I looked to Amanda and said" that is not possible at all" she lookec to me and said he always provides and works in misterrious ways. Really I know this seems bizzare and way to story book but I was blown away and began mathmaticaly suggesting in my head that I must have judged the size of the bowl wrong or something... but it made me think.. maybe they arnt off like I thought.. maybe there traditionalism isn't wrong...but just another route just older. As long as you are worshiping God not the ritualls(sp) just something that stuck with me. There are more that have came up but I talked myself into coming up with some...almost more bizzare reasoning of happenings. Sent via Facebook Mobile DKB: March 8 at 10:36pm Report God does work in mysterious ways. I don't think they are wrong in their way of worship, just some way that it foreign to us. I don't believe everything that dad believed and was raised to believe, but that doesn't make him wrong or right. Just a different way of believing and in the end it doesn't matter how, but who we worship. I believed in baptism and dad didn't - also communion. I respect him for his beliefs and he respects me for mine. We can make it look all different on the outside, but it's the inside that counts. I know that Amanda treasures the way she worships and it would be very difficult to change, but we also change as we experience life. You never know what will happen in the future. Sometimes we just have to jump in and paddle like mad. We rely on God to work out everything and bring us to shore in the end. If you are worried about kids and how they will grow up, look at Amanda and see if she turned out how you would want your kids to be when they grow up. Look at yourself also. Would you want them to be like you? If you can say yes to both - you will be successful in parenting and help your kids be what they can be and works out for both of you. I love both of you and want what is best for you. You are special and deserve to be happy and fulfilled for the rest of your life. Don't get hung up on idiosyncrasies - or the little things in life. Life is too short to waste TJB: March 8 at 10:44pm I am afraid of loosing her completly, but I just don't know what is right or if a decision I make is gong to be wrong. Give me a business decision and I can break it down of what to do or is in the best intrest or what people to keep or fire, but when it comes down to life decisions,especially religous and relationships, there is no fact only feeling and that is something that I can't put onto paper. That is were I really think I "freak out" and opt-out. I know that we are perfect for each other I know that there would and will be hard times if we were together, but I also know that she would be right there ridding shot gun with my and the one to call me out and set me straight. She is quiet and spacy which drives me crazy somdays but she is the one that completes the 360 degree circle. She always found a way to be the optamist when I was pesamistic and we would laugh at when she would be the pestamistic one (which was on a rare occasion) I would be the optamist. She is the girl that I know could go travel the world poor as can be and still be happy as ever just to be with me. She is my starving artist, she is the one that is supposed to be sitting on the back seat of my bike (my ol lady some would call it) grrrrr how is it that I can see all this and feel this way and still we are not together. Does she feel the same.. rehtorical...anywase I have written a long enough story so I will stop because I'm pretty sure that I could litterally write for hous and hours on this. Sent via Facebook Mobile TJB: March 8 at 10:49pm Thank you mom and tell dad thank you as well. I love you both dearly and take all aspect and words of wisdom to heart. I know that it is only I who can make the decisions of life and the ones close to me can only assist or help sort things out ( put into perspective) -- MR CAKES