Pretty Poppet

i've lost.
i've started at square one with the hurt
the pain, the tears, stress, anger, grief, disbelief, why did i let you in! i HATE you. i HATE ALL OF YOU!!! I HHHHHAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEE. WHAT IS THE POINT OF ME BEING CUTE? OR LOVING? OR CHARITABLE??? WHY WHY WHY CAN'T THERE BE ONE FOR ME?? I HURT. I'M CRYING. no. i'm sobbing. every night. i don't want your stupid pathetic pitty. i don't want your consulation. because i'm goint through exactly what i went through a year ago. im disappearing and there's nothing you can do about it. i just want my him. i don't care what any of you think. we were happy. and this time it was my fault. and n ow.. now.. sob.. he.. sob.. he's gone! AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY!!! WE HAD TWO HAPPY DAYS... AND THEN HE'S GONE!!! i love deeply.. and i hate it... i feel like a weak newborn, naked, unable to move... but aren't i a darling marionette.. smiles, conversation, normality..occassional moodiness... but really... i'm seething with hot welled up tears and anger......... i just want someone to take over and tell me where to go and what to do..... DON'T .. don't: i know, you want to say get the f over it already, ... well why don't you just go shove your semi normal life up your ass and appreciate your own little corner... can't someone just punch me in the face, beat me up, something to make me feel alive an thankful because it could be worse... but at this point in my life, what is worse than living the EXACT year of heartbreak and feelings all over again.. for ANOTHER YEAR... noooooooooooooooooooooooooo NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!