**You Can't Have Your Cake and Eat It Too**

Do you realize.. just how.. RIDICULOUS that is??? I mean, the IRONY of it all.. oh blast! My Mr. Cakes.. my very own.. let me tell you about him. He is probably 5'11 - this is truly a guess, but he does tower above me in my meager 5'3.75 hight lol yes, .75- i'll take what i can get.. which seems to be my age old cry, though i've recently sworn it away in the last two years.. but i digress........ his eyes: for one must start with the soul: his eyes are a Cerulean blue, and when he is intense they are a Cobalt- often I read of the pool one could swim in when one looks into some human angels eyes.. and so it would seem for him, he's by no means an angel, unless you intend to realize that he has guided me through a dark time with God's graces, and that he continually shows me comfort in the most wonderful of ways. His pools drink in an intense determination, thoughtfulness, defiance: i don't like his defiance- i don't quite know what to do with it but laugh in it's face because arrogance, pride and selfishness do not make ANY sense except for stupidity.. and if not that, then child like simplicity is what it is, lack of knowledge to allow simple instruction in to get you to your goal... but no, that is too simple, it is too.. cheerful, positive, safe.. it's so funny how he is so stubborn at times, how he laments the fact that his luck is purely well, practically non-existent. The funny thing about luck is: you have to be open to it, you have to LET it happen to you. You block it otherwise and swear you have none- well who's going to even see the luck in life delt to them when they are looking at the empty pot of gold all of time? At least you have a pot to piss in... ah ha! i just laughed out loud! it's really quite a funny analogy... again i digress... make soup in that empty pot.. catch rain in it so you can have a nice drink of water.. options i tell you, there is a plethora of lucky options. But I digress.. he is thoughtful in the most gentleman like of ways :) sigh :)... he opens my door, makes sure I am warm, pulls out my seat, always makes sure I am comfortable, finds me at a party to touch base & enjoy my company, includes me in his boy nights: as in he calls me when he is out with them... but when i have a girls night he's quite insistent that i have one, and never calls to bother me- though it wouldn't even cross my mind as bothering me... actually he let's me come out on guy night , or at least has twice that i can think of, and it doesn't even phase him.. he needs me, and thats what is most important in my heart, to be needed: he's never said it, though it would be nice to hear, he really doesn't have to, his actions far outspeak any words i've heard by far. Actions speak louder than words.Though words are nice to hear once in a while. But see, he does that too.. he says, " Baby, you are wonderful. You are beautiful. You are darling. You can do it, you should do it, do it... " and so on... he is thoughtful. But i think that it is his determination that i really admire... so full of life and enthusiasm and dreams... but he doesn't just dream, he makes things happen, he's a go getter, a fire starter, a future comet in his own time, that someday will have another gazing up at him and wishing apon his bright tail light of achievements. to be cont'd

*sometimes*

I want to say something on here but then feel like i can't because it has to be perfect before i post it, and so then it gets put off for so long and just gets forgotten about. Well, I'm breaking that little unspoken rule.. it's a silly one anyways, just like so many of my silly unspoken rules.. like all the ones that i hold in my head about guys .. i was completely proven wrong last summer.. which brings me to my present blogging subject... : Mr. "Cakes" we shall call him... let us start here

And They Asked Me- Who are you?

Amanda LaMothe December 16 at 11:19pm
** i know that i've said that i wont contact you any further, and i wont, but it occured to me that you don't know me anymore, and i feel the need to tell you who i am.. it is not to say that what you have shared with me is not hard, but to let you know that i really am good, and accept and am happy that you've found what you need or genuinely will be after some time, but am to the best of my abilities at present, for your decision,
and so..
and they asked me- who are you? and i said: i've had enough heart ache to last 2 lifetimes and still have room for more-i've loved longer harder and hoped more than any person i've known-i wish the best of everyone even if i cant stand you because it's not for me to judge and i would beg the same in return...i don't know, what do you want to knw -what is your goal? they asked: to which i replied: my goal is to make those around me happy, and work by their side and to live simply but with a lot of love and fun and adventure and creativityi want everyone to feel like they can't squeeze another ounce of love from meand i want to polish my tallents i want to provide for my parents in their old age and comfort themand have them want for nothing i want my 9 siblings to be successful and have lots of babies and big families and to work together to promote success for all of us :)... ... and i want each one of them to feel loved and inspired beyond anything they've dreamed.. and i want them to realize God is real, and He does want the best for us, and we are NOT to waste our talents.. i want to help anyone and everyone realize their dreams, and most of all realize themselves, and above all, work side by side to help them no matter what the cost.. and then they said: wow after reading all of that how has a guy not swept u off ur feet, and put a ring on that finger? ... to which i replied umm.. well i'm human and have my faults as well soothere you go -i can be selfish and stubborn and prideful, those are all the worst vices i'd rather be fat and i 've almost got that wish lolok well not too too bad lol.. i've just to find the one who will give me a chance to share all of this with them, forgive me my human frailties, and help me work through them.. and when they do, i promise they will not be disappointed.. i'm just waiting to be needed i guess...i'm single i date off and on but nothing ever sticks..thats ok, God will let me know when its my time to have an awesome family, and when He does, I'm ready for it!

"Stop Taking The Pills!!!"... con't...

"Even in our sleep, pain which we cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart until, in our own despair, against our will comes wisdom through the awful grace of God"
- Aeschylus

Pretty Poppet

i've lost.
i've started at square one with the hurt
the pain, the tears, stress, anger, grief, disbelief, why did i let you in! i HATE you. i HATE ALL OF YOU!!! I HHHHHAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEE. WHAT IS THE POINT OF ME BEING CUTE? OR LOVING? OR CHARITABLE??? WHY WHY WHY CAN'T THERE BE ONE FOR ME?? I HURT. I'M CRYING. no. i'm sobbing. every night. i don't want your stupid pathetic pitty. i don't want your consulation. because i'm goint through exactly what i went through a year ago. im disappearing and there's nothing you can do about it. i just want my him. i don't care what any of you think. we were happy. and this time it was my fault. and n ow.. now.. sob.. he.. sob.. he's gone! AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY!!! WE HAD TWO HAPPY DAYS... AND THEN HE'S GONE!!! i love deeply.. and i hate it... i feel like a weak newborn, naked, unable to move... but aren't i a darling marionette.. smiles, conversation, normality..occassional moodiness... but really... i'm seething with hot welled up tears and anger......... i just want someone to take over and tell me where to go and what to do..... DON'T .. don't: i know, you want to say get the f over it already, ... well why don't you just go shove your semi normal life up your ass and appreciate your own little corner... can't someone just punch me in the face, beat me up, something to make me feel alive an thankful because it could be worse... but at this point in my life, what is worse than living the EXACT year of heartbreak and feelings all over again.. for ANOTHER YEAR... noooooooooooooooooooooooooo NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Young Girl, Don't cry.... Trust the voice within

Young girl, don't cry
I'll be right here when your world starts to fall
Young girl, it's all right
Your tears will dry, you'll soon be free to fly

When you're safe inside your room you tend to dream
Of a place where nothing's harder than it seems
No one ever wants or bothers to explain
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means

When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within

Young girl, don't hide
You'll never change if you just run away
Young girl, just hold tight
And soon you're gonna see your brighter day

Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
It's so hard to stand your ground when you're so afraid
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
When you're lost outside look inside to your soul

When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within

Yeah...
Life is a journey
It can take you anywhere you choose to go
As long as you're learning
You'll find all you'll ever need to know

You'll make it
You'll make it
Just don't go forsaking yourself
No one can stop you
You know that I'm talking to you

When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within

Young girl don't cry
I'll be right here when your world starts to fall

The Notebook

Bring back the day i met you at church November
When I thought was the start
To the end of my search...
*Bring back the day we stood in the cold November
I was wrapped in your coat
Hidden secrets were told
*Bring back the day of the 1st kiss we shared December '02
you gave me a rose
To show you cared
*Bring back the day you looked in my eyes January '03
And said first " I love you " -
To my delight and surprise
*Bring back the day when we sat by the fence May
I whispered " I love you "
And my whole world made sense...
*Bring back the day I knew you were mine June
You gave me a promise
Oh how it did shine!
*Bring back the day, when on bended knee, December 9, '07
You opened your heart
To share forever with me.
*Bring back the day I said, all will be right April 30, '08
I'll be home in 6 weeks-
And you boarded your flight.
*Bring back a day- Any One! And I swear May 19, '09
I'll give you many bring backs
To relive every year!............