Pretty Poppet

i've lost.
i've started at square one with the hurt
the pain, the tears, stress, anger, grief, disbelief, why did i let you in! i HATE you. i HATE ALL OF YOU!!! I HHHHHAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEE. WHAT IS THE POINT OF ME BEING CUTE? OR LOVING? OR CHARITABLE??? WHY WHY WHY CAN'T THERE BE ONE FOR ME?? I HURT. I'M CRYING. no. i'm sobbing. every night. i don't want your stupid pathetic pitty. i don't want your consulation. because i'm goint through exactly what i went through a year ago. im disappearing and there's nothing you can do about it. i just want my him. i don't care what any of you think. we were happy. and this time it was my fault. and n ow.. now.. sob.. he.. sob.. he's gone! AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY!!! WE HAD TWO HAPPY DAYS... AND THEN HE'S GONE!!! i love deeply.. and i hate it... i feel like a weak newborn, naked, unable to move... but aren't i a darling marionette.. smiles, conversation, normality..occassional moodiness... but really... i'm seething with hot welled up tears and anger......... i just want someone to take over and tell me where to go and what to do..... DON'T .. don't: i know, you want to say get the f over it already, ... well why don't you just go shove your semi normal life up your ass and appreciate your own little corner... can't someone just punch me in the face, beat me up, something to make me feel alive an thankful because it could be worse... but at this point in my life, what is worse than living the EXACT year of heartbreak and feelings all over again.. for ANOTHER YEAR... noooooooooooooooooooooooooo NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Young Girl, Don't cry.... Trust the voice within

Young girl, don't cry
I'll be right here when your world starts to fall
Young girl, it's all right
Your tears will dry, you'll soon be free to fly

When you're safe inside your room you tend to dream
Of a place where nothing's harder than it seems
No one ever wants or bothers to explain
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means

When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within

Young girl, don't hide
You'll never change if you just run away
Young girl, just hold tight
And soon you're gonna see your brighter day

Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
It's so hard to stand your ground when you're so afraid
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
When you're lost outside look inside to your soul

When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within

Yeah...
Life is a journey
It can take you anywhere you choose to go
As long as you're learning
You'll find all you'll ever need to know

You'll make it
You'll make it
Just don't go forsaking yourself
No one can stop you
You know that I'm talking to you

When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within

Young girl don't cry
I'll be right here when your world starts to fall

The Notebook

Bring back the day i met you at church November
When I thought was the start
To the end of my search...
*Bring back the day we stood in the cold November
I was wrapped in your coat
Hidden secrets were told
*Bring back the day of the 1st kiss we shared December '02
you gave me a rose
To show you cared
*Bring back the day you looked in my eyes January '03
And said first " I love you " -
To my delight and surprise
*Bring back the day when we sat by the fence May
I whispered " I love you "
And my whole world made sense...
*Bring back the day I knew you were mine June
You gave me a promise
Oh how it did shine!
*Bring back the day, when on bended knee, December 9, '07
You opened your heart
To share forever with me.
*Bring back the day I said, all will be right April 30, '08
I'll be home in 6 weeks-
And you boarded your flight.
*Bring back a day- Any One! And I swear May 19, '09
I'll give you many bring backs
To relive every year!............

MySecretFriend*CHUBB*/ or STOP TAKING THE PILLS!!!

oh my gosh i swear i'm going to lose it one of these days-
have you ever actually experienced or tried to feel
what it is ACTUALLY LIKE
to be INSANELY calm
and under self control.?
I have.
just pretend like you have to do that and then do it..
It's crazy.
It's like when you're enfuriated and your heart is pounding,
blood boiling, and head throbbing-
you take all of that plus the silent screaming and
put it into a box,
which goes into another box-
and so on a hundred times.
And every time you want to let it out and give way to your
melt down if you will,
you continue to put it in yet another box..
And because YOU know it's there, even if it is hidden away
underneath a calm of thousands of boxed up feelings.......
... it still leaks out.. and still hurts.. and can still destroy you
at any minute.
Even when you know it's wrong to give in -
but even THAT knowledge will NEVER take those feelings away
..so it eats away like cancer.. Hidden in your little body
ever so quietly under the pain of a happy smile and loving Eyes
just trying to show that you're normal and fine..
Like everyone wants you to be.. like you want you to be.

I think i'm doing pretty damn good though.
Considering how i feel.

The Italian Job

'm fine- she says, as she wipes a tear
i'm fine- she says, though no one may care.
i'm fine- she thinks as she loses her lunch.
i'm fine- she thinks as she stomachs a punch.
i'm fine- she sighs as another day dies.
i'm fine- she sighs as she tries and tries.
i'm fine! she screams too sad to be proud.
I'M FINE she screams to no one, out loud.
i'm fine- she breaths, in and then out,
i'm fine- she breaths, ignoring her doubt.
i'm fine- i am.. or at least i'll be soon
as long as my heart gives way for some room
to embrace all those who know i'll be fine
i'm fine- i know, it just takes some time.........

Every 3 am-6 months and counting............................... Current mood: numb

deepest canyons. darkest night.
joy unheard of, not in site.
i thought i heard a child's delight
- no more strength to stay and fight-
i thought i held them in my hands
my dreams they come from ancient lands.
the left one feels a phantom ring
what does it mean to dance and sing.
to scurge herself would be too kind
another path is hers to find
her soul it bears another death
a silent scream upon her breath
though standing in a public eye
they just condemn a pleading cry
mercy! it would seem too nice
to wrap me in your folds of ice,
a thousand heart dealt cuts would do
than feel another moment for you.
that moment just before the cry-
certain relief, sure to come by-
never reaches out to heal
a soul who's all but lost to feel.
it seems as though such things would be
a heaven to such misery....

a recurring dream.....

i'm in a field, i'm all alone

the emty space has set the tone

and high above: the midnight sky

Gives courage for my soul to fly...

The gentle breeze- it soothes my fears

and takes away my streaming tears,

the stars above- they shine upon

A girl whose hopes are all but gone...

I spread my arms and spin arond

and all at once i've left the ground!

i've left my ache, my thoughts of past-

i wish this care free dream would last!

...But all at once, i stumble down...

my diziness knocks off my crown..

And once again, i am but me,

sunk to the earth- in misery...........................